When you know better, Do better.

     For women that grew up in unfavorable circumstances (e.g., poverty, victim of rape or molestation, sold into prostitution, death of a parent, divorce, etc.), it is extremely challenging to get past those issues even during the years of child rearing.  Bitterness is a common root of the heart when trying to heal from these issues and it has the ability to block love from being demonstrated to your child.  With that being said, we as women have a responsibility to our children.  That responsibility is allowing yourself to overcome your fears, deep rooted issues, or past failures to better assist your kids in learning how to live this life as great citizens in this earth.  That includes all issues whether past, present, or future.  Our children need to see a cyclical movement of mistakes which breaks us down, learning from mistakes which builds us up, and overcoming and becoming a better you....which makes us triumphant. They need to see this over and over again. Once God is finished with dealing with one issue, there's always something else for us to make progress in.....welcome to human nature.
     I am appalled at mothers who kill their children, allow them to be molested or raped by their boyfriends, neglect or abuse them, or abandon them because I have a different viewpoint as to why these circumstances shouldn't prevent a mother from caring for her child. I am wondering what is going through their heads?  What brought you to this conclusion?  Why do you feel your child(ren) deserves your absolute worst? I am shocked when I see a mother dressed to impress and her child dressed like monkeys in the wild. I am even more disgusted when mother's allow their children to run around with green snot hanging from their noses and they are patted down with Mac makeup.  Last example (before i get on the roll), when the mother has on fresh panties and the baby has on a 3 hour loaded piss diaper. Ok. Last one for real, taking your child's life. Come now....Really!?
    On the contrary, I have learned that you only know what you know.  If you haven't been exposed to an environment that exemplifies unconditional love, then how will you know to give it?  Sometimes someone has to show you what you're missing before you can demonstrate it.  For example, if you're not an affectionate mother to your child and someone gives you a hug when you're at your lowest, you begin to realize that it's what  you needed all along and then you will want your children to feel loved in that manner as well. As a result, you begin to take baby steps in learning how to let this become manifest in your actions. I feel you are only held accountable for what  you know; however, when you know better, do better. My mother had many reasons to give up on me because of my sickly nature as a baby born with gastroschisis along with being a single mother who had to struggle to make ends meet with a Master's Degree.  She told me she didn't want children, but I changed her life.  She had no problem giving me the raw truth.  For that, I am grateful because she saw the truth in herself and wanted to do better and become better so that I could excel past her.  "I want you to be better than me."  That's the speech of a mother who faces her issues and decides to want more for herself because her child is watching.
      So for the mothers who allow ignorance to grip wisdom and good knowledge like a shark biting into flesh after you know better, I hope you all know that you can be someone  (the real you), so that you can love your kids without question in your minds and theirs.  Tell your children the truth about life and about your shortcomings (when appropriate). If you're seeking to change, be patient with yourself and know that change comes one step at a time with forgiveness and determination to make it right.  If you're simply not willing to change for the sake of your children, I pray you come to realize that you are a great parent and a great mother and you do have the ability, with God's help, to become a better you.

I'm Not Good Enough For Me

When will you make yourself a priority? When will you take charge of the life you desire? Are you willing to let go of of the negativity and the hindrances that weigh you down? When will you put your best self forward? These are questions that tumble through my mind on occasion when I'm not feeling like I'm doing all I can do. It's when I'm feeling stagnant and full of doubt as my capabilities to be a positive and effective parent but a person in general.

I've always struggled with my self-esteem and my weight, which is part of the reason that I don't care much for heading to the  gym or participating in class exercises. I was at home working out to an exercise DVD when the instructor asked the question, "Who deserves the very best of you more than you do?" She paused to allow the question to sink in and then answered, "NO ONE!!!" It was something about that question and answer that set kindling to a spark and that spark is slowly becoming a flame. It resounded in my sub-consciousness to the point that it constantly repeated itself day in and day out, and realization finally hit me like a solid punch to the gut. For so long, I've let people dictate my level of worth. I've fallen victim to my circumstances and turmoil. I've allowed issues to become the excuses of why I can't do better and keep me awake at night. I've let stagnation get the best of me and drag me through moments of doubts and worthlessness. All of these things I've allowed to be beat me down and I've willingly waved the white flag in defeat. What was once a brightly burning star has slowly diminished to a sporadic twinkle.

When can you expose the depths of who you am ? How can you expect someone to value the whole you, when the unfiltered and completer version of you has yet to be revealed? I've only allowed parts of me to be exposed and I haven't truly revealed my full potential. I have to stop pressuring myself, limiting myself and allowing anyone other than me to define who I truly am. I am worthy and qualified on so many levels but no one will never know until I tap into my gifts and talents. Most days I live like I have no purpose, I live like I won't be forgiven, I live like I won't forgive, there are days when I'm wallowing in my desperation, pity, anger, depression, unworthiness, and sickness. I can't expose the real me until I drop the facade of neutrality and nonchalance and an "I'm fine." When in all actuality, I would like nothing more than to shout to the world, "Here I am, a force to be reckoned with." There are things in my distant and immediate past that hasn't released me and quite truthfully I haven't willingly let them go. I cannot continue to let my trials and tribulations continue to dictate and mold me. I cannot continue to allow societal standards to sway my self-worth. But here's the thing, when those days arise and I feel as if I'm overwhelmed and defeated I look inside to find the glimmer of light that's brightest above all brightness, the light that gives hope, the light that negates all of the negative, the light that fills me with peace beyond understanding, the light that fills me with purpose, the light that encompasses all, but most importantly that light will guide my life to being the best version of me.

When will you ask yourself, "Who deserves the best version of you more than you do?" For me, the answer will come when I can honestly say from the depths of my being "NO ONE!!!"

The invisible parent

We all know the positive effects of living in a two parent household.  We also know the effects of children being raised in a single parent home but I want to draw attention to the two parent household where one parent is visible and the other chooses to be invisible. This set of circumstances causes children to withdraw developing anger problems leading to frustration, a sense of low self esteem, and a need to prove to everyone they care for that they have purpose.

Every problem and issue that we have as adults stems from our childhood.  How we cope with these issues depends on how we approach our future.  As a child raised in a single parent household, I could say the two parent household where only one parent is active on all levels of parenthood is somewhat similar to the single parent household which can have the same results.  I truly admire both forms of the single parent because their children has someone to pour back into them.

If you are a married single parent, whether separated, cohabitating, or whatever, how do you help your children to overcome the negatives with the parent that chooses be invisible.  At a certain age, their minds are made up about you and the other parent and they will definitely voice their concerns whether it's verbal or nonverbal.  How do you as the most active parent deal with the significant other or spouse that chooses to be invisible? What words of wisdom do you give your children about your spouse who is present but not present?

Here is one word of advice I learned from a movie....which one I can't recall...lol but the mother told someone that she has never spoken negative of her children's father to them regardless of how she felt.  I agree with this. Now don't get it twisted.  I think your children should know the absolute truth about their other parent and let them form their own opinion because eventually they will see for themselves if the information told is proven to be true.

I learned from experience that the active parent can cause you to view your inactive parent in a different light that isn't exactly true.  That parent can be so bitter that they want their children to feel what they are feeling and I don't think that's fair.  Anyway, after meeting my father at a young age I forgave him before I met him, even though I didn't have the whole story. I gave myself the opportunity to know him for myself and didn't allow my mother's negative comments about him to warped my view of him without him showing me who he really was.

Another way to help your children cope is to allow them to have their feelings about the other parent without pressuring them to talk to them.  Children are people with real feelings and need healing just as any adult. Time heals.  Allow them to approach the other parent in their own time.

As the lion says in the food lion commercial, "That's just my two cents." LOL.  If you have any other words of wisdom for children living with an invisible parent, feel free to post or comment! Take care!

Do You Have the Time????

As a Stay-At-Home-Parent (SAHP), we have a tendency to give unconditionally to everyone but ourselves. Our kids, "Mom/Dad, can I do this?" "Mom/Dad, can I have this?" "Mom/Dad, I need money for this."; or our spouses or significant others, "Honey, will you do this?", "Honey, I know you made plans but I really need us to do that.", "Honey, could you help me do this?" We do a lot of things for everybody else, but where do we fit in to this puzzle? Where are we on the totem pole in our own life? For many years, I know I've been on the bottom and no where near the middle or the top. I put my family at the top and my needs last, and that's where we as SAHP's fall short.

Last week, I was sick with itchy& burning eyes, runny nose, chest congestion, and going hoarse, but guess what everybody in my household depended on me to get everything done. Get the kids up, get them on the bus, walk the dogs, clean house, do laundry, and cook dinner-all of that and I can barely see my hand in front of my face with those itchy & burning eyes, but I pressed on and got my house in order. When I finally laid down, my kids were coming in from school and of course I had to help get homework done (believe it or not, my kids have correct answers more often than not). Attempted to lay down again, and it was time for us to eat dinner as a family. This is the time, I willingly give my time and attention so that we can have communication with each other. So, after I have to ask if someone will load up the dishwasher, I make an attempt to shower and get into bed, only to be disturbed by the yelping of my dogs needing to go outside. However, since I am the dog whisperer and I'm the only one that understands what there yelps and cries mean, they waited until I finished my shower to address their needs.

Finally, I attempt to lay down again only for my daughter to pick this time to have some mommy-daughter conversation time. Of course, being the only adult she cares to talk to I acquiesce and permit her into my bed to have the conversation she suddenly needs. I let her ramble on as my eyes start to close, when she finally decides to say "Mom, you look like you're getting sick, I'll let you rest." Even when I'm sick, my time is not my own, so when do I get the time to focus on being the best me possible?

We're too busy being everything to everybody, that we can't focus on what we need. My S.O. says, "You're home by yourself all day, that should be more than enough time for you to spend time by yourself." See, that's the biggest mistake and conclusion people tend to jump to when they hear that you're a SAHP. We're classroom volunteers or classroom parents, I have a child that has Asperger's, so I spend a great deal of time at his school in meetings with his teachers and counselors and that's just me checking in on him. Did I, also, mention I have dogs? Yes dogs, two loving beagles, that I'm going to probably let be someone else's happiness, because I just don't have the time anymore. But, they're both overweight which means walking them, since I no longer have a huge backyard, and one has the audacity to be allergic to grass so he is supposed to get weekly allergy shots like my child (I say supposedly, because times are hard and my concern and dollars are for those I share DNA with and not mere animals). Time to do with as I please is something that happens as often as a blue moon and a leap year, it's a rarity.

And now, in the next few weeks, I won't be a SAHP for awhile, but an income earner (getting an opportunity to work in the field I will be in the pursuit of obtaining either a second Bachelor's or Master's in  and paying those student loans back). With me becoming an income earner, I can afford that time to relax away from home and be pampered by the strangers at the spa, being as they are paid to pay me attention. I can take that time to runaway from home for a weekend and spend time with my like-minded sisters. Better yet, I can stretch my natural hair so I can let it down to it's actual length and not it's shrinkage length, eat my favorite foods, and toast the life that I can't wait to live on my own terms. Right now, I only have the time to be one of the many hats that we SAHP's wear and hope that soon I'll get that much need time off.