You're having a pity party and you call up your besties for a night of "misery loves company" talk. You've cooked or ordered in and your pals have brought the libations for the night. You've made your face pretty and removed all traces of the tear-stained face with the puffy, red eyes; you've gotten out of the comfy clothes and put on some clothes worthy of leaving the house; you've finally opened the windows to let some natural light in, and lit some incense to rid the house of the order of despair. Your pals come over and you begin your night of good food, great friends, and much needed therapy. So, you all are taking turns telling jokes and relationship tribulations when you finally spill the beans about your latest misery. being your inner circle, they're supportive with their "Aww's" and "Chile, please," when the friend you come to think of as the voice of reason among your group states, "Girl, I wouldn't put up with that." She goes down the list of should have, could have, would have and all the things she wouldn't stand for while you nod your head to everything she just said and feel a tad bit better about your situation. The night ends with hugs and "call me later's" and you close the door on the camaraderie feeling thankful for your pals. Your eyes scan the four walls you call a home but has felt like your prison. You glance longingly at the pictures of a happier time and notice the sadness that has been hiding in your eyes the entire time. You feel the tears welling up and you're feeling emotionally drained and ready to crumble. You clean up the glasses and containers, loading the dishwasher and putting leftovers in the fridge, wipe down the counters and turn off the lights. You head to your bedroom then into the bathroom, you wash your face free of make-up and take a long hard look at yourself. You look at yourself everyday, but failed to notice the unhappy person staring back at you. Those closest to you have complimented you on how strong and confident you are, how you're one of the smartest person they've known, and all the while you accepted the graciousness and been slowly dying inside.
No one knows the turmoil you've lived through and every person you know likes to tell you what they will and won't put up with. All the while never actually knowing what you will accept until something happens to you. I can say I was one of those people that would say that especially when I was unattached, but now as a parent and wife I can tell you that you will tolerate much more when other people depend on you. Before I married, I was an independent, working, single mother, and loving and living life to the fullest. After marriage, I was still happy and swimming the murky waters of being a wife and a mother. Somewhere along the way, I lost my spark and my identity, I became a trophy and a title, lost my confidence, my self-esteem, and the value of my worth. I put on a smile and a happy face whenever I left the house; no one but me knew my pain. There were days when all I could do was cry, but my brave face would be back in place by the time I picked up the kids and faced the public. I've taken compliments with silence, a smile, and a nod, because I didn't feel that I was worthy of any accolades or pleasantries. The less I said the less I was spoken to and it was what I preferred because I didn't have to prove myself.