What's A Girl To Do?

It has been a good long while since I last logged in and unloaded, well today I have the time. I went to bed last night frustrated, sad, angry, and resentful. I recently obtained a certificate as an Information Security Systems Professional, it's a field that I feel as if I could excel in if given the chance. With COVID being rampant, a lot of industries do not have the need to hire a noob when they have competent and readily available people. So with the job market taking a hit and working a part-time job that makes me want to pull out my hair, I'm feeling beyond frustrated. How does one make a much-needed career shift when no one wants to give you the opportunity? My frustrations with job-hunting were way before COVID, I'd been applying, and following-up with opportunities only to be ghosted by HR & recruiters. Why even put the job out there? Well as I've read on several posts on LinkedIn, employers like to create a candidate pool and dwindle it down, with determining factors of who can we get to do the most work with the least amount of pay - sorry I'll never fit that bill; I've been there and done that already and I know my worth. So, I choose the path to increase my knowledge - start taking classes earning certificates that would hedge out some of my competition. Well, this backfires in my face, why because again I know my worth and what I'm not willing to accept. I was told by an associate, "Well maybe you need to dumb-down your resume," and let me tell you all it took was a look to make her back away from that sentence. If dumbing down our smarts and integrity is what it takes to get a job, then that's not the job for me. Other things that were making me have a night of turmoil are menopause and weight gain. I've struggled all my life with my weight, up until last year when I was on a great medication that allowed me to get off 75 lbs. in a year. I was happy that it was coming off and I could breathe easier literally and figuratively, I went down from plus size clothes to being able to shop wherever I wanted with ease and a smile on my face. Now with menopause and stress, the weight is inching back up. I'm eating healthy and exercising only to be met with numbers on the scale higher than they were 2 weeks prior. It's a shame that all insurance companies are not on the same page, the only reason I'm not on the aforementioned medication is because of a switch with insurance companies and the new insurance not allowing me to be on weight medication. Why take someone off of a medication that actually works and does exactly what it says it's going to do? But on the other hand, I can always have lap-band surgery with its high-risks...I'm that .000001 outlier person that weird shit happens to when you think you know how things are going to go, I get that random side-effect that happens to a minute amount of people. The last thing that kept me up last night, I'm a wannabe author that has had a case of writer's block for the last 18 months when it comes to my protagonist's development as a villain. Ever dream of what you need to put down on paper only to wake up and those words have not only seemed to disappear from my thoughts but the little you can recall sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. In this time you have to have your hands dabbling in some of everything in order to feed your creative juices and intellect, I guess for me being a half-way stay-at-home parent to grown kids I have too much mental energy to expend and not enough ways to let it out. 

Behind The Smile

"One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is...give up something you love while trusting God for better."- Pastor Jamal Bryant

You're having a pity party and you call up your besties for a night of  "misery loves company" talk. You've cooked or ordered in and your pals have brought the libations for the night. You've made your face pretty and removed all traces of the tear-stained face with the puffy, red eyes; you've gotten out of the comfy clothes and put on some clothes worthy of leaving the house; you've finally opened the windows to let some natural light in, and lit some incense to rid the house of the order of despair. Your pals come over and you begin your night of good food, great friends, and much needed therapy. So, you all are taking turns telling jokes and relationship tribulations when you finally spill the beans about your latest misery. being your inner circle, they're supportive with their "Aww's" and "Chile, please," when the friend you come to think of as the voice of reason among your group states, "Girl, I wouldn't put up with that." She goes down the list of should have, could have, would have and all the things she wouldn't stand for while you nod your head to everything she just said and feel a tad bit better about your situation. The night ends with hugs and "call me later's" and you close the door on the camaraderie feeling thankful for your pals. Your eyes scan the four walls you call a home but has felt like your prison. You glance longingly at the pictures of a happier time and notice the sadness that has been hiding in your eyes the entire time. You feel the tears welling up and you're feeling emotionally drained and ready to crumble. You clean up the glasses and containers, loading the dishwasher and putting leftovers in the fridge, wipe down the counters and turn off the lights. You head to your bedroom then into the bathroom, you wash your face free of make-up and take a long hard look at yourself. You look at yourself everyday, but failed to notice the unhappy person staring back at you. Those closest to you have complimented you on how strong and confident you are, how you're one of the smartest person they've known, and all the while you accepted the graciousness and been slowly dying inside.

No one knows the turmoil you've lived through and every person you know likes to tell you what they will and won't put up with. All the while never actually knowing what you will accept until something happens to you. I can say I was one of those people that would say that especially when I was unattached, but now as a parent and wife I can tell you that you will tolerate much more when other people depend on you. Before I married, I was an independent, working, single mother, and loving and living life to the fullest. After marriage, I was still happy and swimming the murky waters of being a wife and a mother. Somewhere along the way, I lost my spark and my identity, I became a trophy and a title, lost my confidence, my self-esteem, and the value of my worth. I put on a smile and a happy face whenever I left the house; no one but me knew my pain. There were days when all I could do was cry, but my brave face would be back in place by the time I picked up the kids and faced the public. I've taken compliments with silence, a smile, and a nod, because I didn't feel that I was worthy of any accolades or pleasantries. The less I said the less I was spoken to and it was what I preferred because I didn't have to prove myself.

"It's time to LET GO of everything that no longer serves you. You DESERVE to be HAPPY and FREE"

Now as I set myself along this path to regain some sense of self-worth and self-love, bursting with pride and confidence, I have to release the hurts, anger, and resentment. I now know that only I can be the author of my happiness and I must release those things that hinder me on my journey.