What's A Girl To Do?

It has been a good long while since I last logged in and unloaded, well today I have the time. I went to bed last night frustrated, sad, angry, and resentful. I recently obtained a certificate as an Information Security Systems Professional, it's a field that I feel as if I could excel in if given the chance. With COVID being rampant, a lot of industries do not have the need to hire a noob when they have competent and readily available people. So with the job market taking a hit and working a part-time job that makes me want to pull out my hair, I'm feeling beyond frustrated. How does one make a much-needed career shift when no one wants to give you the opportunity? My frustrations with job-hunting were way before COVID, I'd been applying, and following-up with opportunities only to be ghosted by HR & recruiters. Why even put the job out there? Well as I've read on several posts on LinkedIn, employers like to create a candidate pool and dwindle it down, with determining factors of who can we get to do the most work with the least amount of pay - sorry I'll never fit that bill; I've been there and done that already and I know my worth. So, I choose the path to increase my knowledge - start taking classes earning certificates that would hedge out some of my competition. Well, this backfires in my face, why because again I know my worth and what I'm not willing to accept. I was told by an associate, "Well maybe you need to dumb-down your resume," and let me tell you all it took was a look to make her back away from that sentence. If dumbing down our smarts and integrity is what it takes to get a job, then that's not the job for me. Other things that were making me have a night of turmoil are menopause and weight gain. I've struggled all my life with my weight, up until last year when I was on a great medication that allowed me to get off 75 lbs. in a year. I was happy that it was coming off and I could breathe easier literally and figuratively, I went down from plus size clothes to being able to shop wherever I wanted with ease and a smile on my face. Now with menopause and stress, the weight is inching back up. I'm eating healthy and exercising only to be met with numbers on the scale higher than they were 2 weeks prior. It's a shame that all insurance companies are not on the same page, the only reason I'm not on the aforementioned medication is because of a switch with insurance companies and the new insurance not allowing me to be on weight medication. Why take someone off of a medication that actually works and does exactly what it says it's going to do? But on the other hand, I can always have lap-band surgery with its high-risks...I'm that .000001 outlier person that weird shit happens to when you think you know how things are going to go, I get that random side-effect that happens to a minute amount of people. The last thing that kept me up last night, I'm a wannabe author that has had a case of writer's block for the last 18 months when it comes to my protagonist's development as a villain. Ever dream of what you need to put down on paper only to wake up and those words have not only seemed to disappear from my thoughts but the little you can recall sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. In this time you have to have your hands dabbling in some of everything in order to feed your creative juices and intellect, I guess for me being a half-way stay-at-home parent to grown kids I have too much mental energy to expend and not enough ways to let it out. 

Parents: Are You Present or Are You A Presence?

Let me get this off my chest and shout from my soapbox, "Your genetic contribution and your financial donations, DOES NOT make you a parent."

Being a parent doesn't necessarily qualify you as mom and dad, because there are some egg donors and sperm donors out there making it hard for those parents that want to do right by their child. We live in a time where electronics play such a major role in our lives that we are disconnected from each other. Media outlets and our gadgets are bringing up kids to not value the very people that gave them life and we let them rule our homes. We want our kids to aim high, but they are influenced by some of the piss poor behavior and attitudes of people on television; and therein lies the problem.  Kids are a gift in your life and as far as I know none have asked to leave the spirit realm to get here. We as parents take our kids for granted and vice versa. We tend to shower them with things they want more than the things they need and that's the breakdown. There are some parents that don't have their priorities in order, such as getting your hair done but your lights getting turned off, by the newest shoes and you can't put food in the house, hanging out at the club and leaving your kids home alone, etc... I'm all about self care and self love, but don't get it twisted I provide for my family first and run on exhaustion and fumes, that's just me, but kids know when I have to take care of me and they tend to make wise decisions without my involvement. They are so many parents that want to be their child(s)'s friend and that is not your job. Your job(s) is to be a parent and role model, you have to put in the time and effort to earn mutual respect as they grow and mature.You should have friends your own age without making your child one of them. How is your child to learn to be a responsible adult and future parent if they're your friend, they really cannot. You have to lay down standards from the beginning and realize that those standards have to be adaptable with time and circumstances. You are accountable for the first 16-21 years (depending on your stance) of life and hopefully you've consistently steered them in the right direction and let them taste some failure.

Present or Presence:

My husband has been in and out the home for most of our marriage. First there was military obligations that kept him gone, then he went to work overseas, and once he finally got back in the states we were almost a thousand miles apart. In September, he moved back into the house and he's here. What do mean by he's here, well he's present and accounted for but there is no real interaction amongst us as a family unit. He is a participant in the obligatory school functions, he walks the dogs when asked, and he takes care of the outside of the house, but for the most part he's present. Me on the other hand, I'm a presence, a force to be reckoned with if you will. My kids are aware of the love and emotion that I emit without saying a word when I enter any room that they occupy. There are times when I've been thinking about them and they're nowhere near by, but they claim they feel me watching them or they just feel my love. That's being a presence, my kids know that I'm there for them and they can bombard me at anytime because I'm an open book. I don't want to live a life where I'm scrutinized by my kids because I'm not putting my everything into them, I show them that I will give my all to them even when it hurts me. When we're sitting in the family room, watching a movie my kids will just randomly say, "I love you, too," just from me looking at them or sitting next to them. I am actively involved in everything they are doing, from chores to homework, from the happenings at school to TV time, it's nothing they can do that I don't take notice of or informed of. As a matter of fact, when it comes to school they get upset about how much their teachers and I communicate via a voice call and email. I'm like Lion-O from the Thundercats, "Give me sight beyond sight," when it comes to my kids and while they don't like it they will deal and learn to appreciate my all seeing eye.

The Open Door To Your voice:

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, both of my parents worked and were gone most of the time before I even got on the bus. My mom got me up with an I love you and was out the door on her way to work, my dad was home when I got off the bus and he always asked how my day was. When do we take the time to talk to our children? Well, I'm busy, I'm tired, I need to cook dinner, I need to do laundry, I need to run to the grocery store, I need to get the boy child to practice, I need to get the girl child to the hair dresser, I need to have some time to myself, I just want to relax - do all of these excuses sound familiar? Where does your child fit in? Going by your schedule, it's when you're taking the kids somewhere and picking them back up, but that's not the only time. Are you eating dinner as a family, if not, then you missed some prime time for conversation. I converse with my kids constantly even if it's a one-sided conversation and I'm getting eye rolls, and once I'm done saying what I have to say I end the conversation with, "You know my door is open whenever you want to talk unless it's bedtime." I can't always make them talk to me when I want to talk, because they are there own person, but they know whenever they want to talk I will stop what I'm doing to make time to listen to them. You have to be a willing participant even when you don't want to, but that's what parenting is all about.

Quality Time Is Priority:

There are times when you don't have the financial means to do what you want to do or go where you want to go, but you have an abundance of entertainment right at home. Spending quality time is not about giving them what they want, it's about spending and giving time to the ones you love unconditionally. My kids have a Wii with about 30 games, 4 cabinets full of DVDs (that's cartoons and family movies), and we have some board and card games. My kids are into art, so I, also, keep an abundance of construction paper, sketch pads, glue sticks, colored pencils, and yarn around the house. They hate when I do it, but I declare a few hours of electronic shut down no Nooks, computers, or cell (that's me with the phone) in order to spend time together. We have to disconnect from the electronics and connect as a family, my kids are allotted to me for so long before they move on and become adults with their own families. Make time to spend time with your kids more than you make the time to spend doing what you want.

Be A Role Model:

From 2006 until 2008, I was in school full time earning my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice and at the age of 32 I earned it. I had some easy classes and some challenging classes, my kids saw my struggle because we would sometimes sit at the table together and do home work. I made sure that they saw me working hard and being determined to finish with good grades. They saw I made the Dean's List a couple of times and times where I had to retake a class, but they saw my struggle and it made them want to work harder too. Our kids are bombarded with images of athletes and celebrities having big money and making poor decisions. That's good to aspire to be great but our kids do not need and should not need to be just like them. We don't know back stories and how they got there, we just focus on their public persona when they are in the spotlight for whatever reason. My kids have great aspirations and I push them to the point where they're tired of hearing me talk, but they know I want them to succeed in everything they want to do with their life. They see the only way to succeed is to focus on their dreams and pursue it with hard work, determination, and diligence and I'll be their biggest cheerleader because they were mine.

Give Unconditional Love:

We all have days where we are in a bad mood, and whatever the reason sometimes are kids get the backlash. I know I'm not the only parent guilty of this, which is why I called you out. I'm apologetic afterwards because they weren't the cause of it, and I ensure that they know that I love them. Those three simple words can mean so much to your attention-starved child. Peer-pressure is still rampant, but now we have to deal with blatant bullying in so many forms that we never know what are child is succumbing to or falling victim to. It is so important to listen to your kids even when they're not talking to you, you never know what is going on until you hear it from another child's parent. My kids have me, grandparents, and so many other relatives to talk to that they we all get the "I don't feel like talking right now" often, but they know the door is open to communicate. My oldest child is 16, he stands 6'4", and he has Asperger's Syndrome which is a form of Autism, he's unable to read social cues and to empathize. Most days he walks around in an angry defensive shell, but in order to break through to him I have to give him your time and let him know that I love him. I get one of the best smiles and a lot of love, and the days he cherish most is when he can lay his head in my lap and not say anything but feel my love for him radiating out. Then my daughter comes over and we have to scoot down the couch so she can put her head on the other side and she too feels my love for her and the both of them. When you have more than one child you love them individually and as the joint unit they are (my kids are 4yrs apart and very close, just as me and my brother are). I always do my best to make sure that they know I love them flaws and all.

I'm Not Good Enough For Me

When will you make yourself a priority? When will you take charge of the life you desire? Are you willing to let go of of the negativity and the hindrances that weigh you down? When will you put your best self forward? These are questions that tumble through my mind on occasion when I'm not feeling like I'm doing all I can do. It's when I'm feeling stagnant and full of doubt as my capabilities to be a positive and effective parent but a person in general.

I've always struggled with my self-esteem and my weight, which is part of the reason that I don't care much for heading to the  gym or participating in class exercises. I was at home working out to an exercise DVD when the instructor asked the question, "Who deserves the very best of you more than you do?" She paused to allow the question to sink in and then answered, "NO ONE!!!" It was something about that question and answer that set kindling to a spark and that spark is slowly becoming a flame. It resounded in my sub-consciousness to the point that it constantly repeated itself day in and day out, and realization finally hit me like a solid punch to the gut. For so long, I've let people dictate my level of worth. I've fallen victim to my circumstances and turmoil. I've allowed issues to become the excuses of why I can't do better and keep me awake at night. I've let stagnation get the best of me and drag me through moments of doubts and worthlessness. All of these things I've allowed to be beat me down and I've willingly waved the white flag in defeat. What was once a brightly burning star has slowly diminished to a sporadic twinkle.

When can you expose the depths of who you am ? How can you expect someone to value the whole you, when the unfiltered and completer version of you has yet to be revealed? I've only allowed parts of me to be exposed and I haven't truly revealed my full potential. I have to stop pressuring myself, limiting myself and allowing anyone other than me to define who I truly am. I am worthy and qualified on so many levels but no one will never know until I tap into my gifts and talents. Most days I live like I have no purpose, I live like I won't be forgiven, I live like I won't forgive, there are days when I'm wallowing in my desperation, pity, anger, depression, unworthiness, and sickness. I can't expose the real me until I drop the facade of neutrality and nonchalance and an "I'm fine." When in all actuality, I would like nothing more than to shout to the world, "Here I am, a force to be reckoned with." There are things in my distant and immediate past that hasn't released me and quite truthfully I haven't willingly let them go. I cannot continue to let my trials and tribulations continue to dictate and mold me. I cannot continue to allow societal standards to sway my self-worth. But here's the thing, when those days arise and I feel as if I'm overwhelmed and defeated I look inside to find the glimmer of light that's brightest above all brightness, the light that gives hope, the light that negates all of the negative, the light that fills me with peace beyond understanding, the light that fills me with purpose, the light that encompasses all, but most importantly that light will guide my life to being the best version of me.

When will you ask yourself, "Who deserves the best version of you more than you do?" For me, the answer will come when I can honestly say from the depths of my being "NO ONE!!!"