What's A Girl To Do?

It has been a good long while since I last logged in and unloaded, well today I have the time. I went to bed last night frustrated, sad, angry, and resentful. I recently obtained a certificate as an Information Security Systems Professional, it's a field that I feel as if I could excel in if given the chance. With COVID being rampant, a lot of industries do not have the need to hire a noob when they have competent and readily available people. So with the job market taking a hit and working a part-time job that makes me want to pull out my hair, I'm feeling beyond frustrated. How does one make a much-needed career shift when no one wants to give you the opportunity? My frustrations with job-hunting were way before COVID, I'd been applying, and following-up with opportunities only to be ghosted by HR & recruiters. Why even put the job out there? Well as I've read on several posts on LinkedIn, employers like to create a candidate pool and dwindle it down, with determining factors of who can we get to do the most work with the least amount of pay - sorry I'll never fit that bill; I've been there and done that already and I know my worth. So, I choose the path to increase my knowledge - start taking classes earning certificates that would hedge out some of my competition. Well, this backfires in my face, why because again I know my worth and what I'm not willing to accept. I was told by an associate, "Well maybe you need to dumb-down your resume," and let me tell you all it took was a look to make her back away from that sentence. If dumbing down our smarts and integrity is what it takes to get a job, then that's not the job for me. Other things that were making me have a night of turmoil are menopause and weight gain. I've struggled all my life with my weight, up until last year when I was on a great medication that allowed me to get off 75 lbs. in a year. I was happy that it was coming off and I could breathe easier literally and figuratively, I went down from plus size clothes to being able to shop wherever I wanted with ease and a smile on my face. Now with menopause and stress, the weight is inching back up. I'm eating healthy and exercising only to be met with numbers on the scale higher than they were 2 weeks prior. It's a shame that all insurance companies are not on the same page, the only reason I'm not on the aforementioned medication is because of a switch with insurance companies and the new insurance not allowing me to be on weight medication. Why take someone off of a medication that actually works and does exactly what it says it's going to do? But on the other hand, I can always have lap-band surgery with its high-risks...I'm that .000001 outlier person that weird shit happens to when you think you know how things are going to go, I get that random side-effect that happens to a minute amount of people. The last thing that kept me up last night, I'm a wannabe author that has had a case of writer's block for the last 18 months when it comes to my protagonist's development as a villain. Ever dream of what you need to put down on paper only to wake up and those words have not only seemed to disappear from my thoughts but the little you can recall sounds like Charlie Brown's teacher. In this time you have to have your hands dabbling in some of everything in order to feed your creative juices and intellect, I guess for me being a half-way stay-at-home parent to grown kids I have too much mental energy to expend and not enough ways to let it out. 

Doughnut Bread Pudding

When you're looking for a quick dessert during the week and your favorite grocery store bakery is in walking distance, one of the quickest baked desserts you can throw together is a bread pudding. Bread pudding is kind of on the scale with a set it and forget it meal, once it's prepped stick it in the fridge and find something else to do for an hour. This recipe also works well for baked French Toast. I love all things decadent so I used evaporated and condensed milk, but it can be made using heavy cream and/or half and half.

3 eggs
1 12oz. can of evaporated milk
1 8oz. can of condensed milk
6 doughnuts cut in pieces
1/2 tsp. Of vanilla extract, or vanilla syrup, or vanilla bean paste

Preheat oven on 350. Mix eggs, kinds of milk, and vanilla thoroughly then pour over cut up doughnuts. Let the doughnuts soak up the milk mixture for 45min to a 1hr. Grease 8x8 pan with butter, spread mixture in the pan in one even layer. Bake for 40min, check for doneness with a toothpick, if it's clean you're done if not cook for an additional 5-10min. 

Birthday for the Founder of this Blog!

Gemini speaks yet remains silent,
She lives because she dies to things that hinder her spirit
She breathes and yet holds her breath when in awe
She walks slowly and somehow she never stops running
out of genuine love.
Her love is the oxymoron that make opposites attract
like white and black sister beautiful in every way, the hate and love hard
everyday, like crooked and straight to the point is how she is. No
sugar coating the truths about herself because she's a beautiful soul
that exceeds green wealth. So Her loyalty is not cheap,
she is no comparison to anyone else you will meet.
She is beautiful, she is real and she is a rare jewel.
More than a ruby, more than an emerald, more than a sapphire
more than a diamond, she is simply a jewel called Gemini
a there is only one in this entire universe and she is my sister, my friend
and one that I will never ever forget!! Happy Birthday Gemini!

Embrace Your Inner Turtle....

              My morning is as follows: Wake up at 5:40 a.m. and take my husband to work, come home and get my daughter dressed and take her to school, come back home and get myself dressed and ready for school, a 45 minute break which includes cleaning the house or whatever task I find myself doing, pick up my daughter from school, pick up my husband from work, fix dinner, clean the kitchen, get my daughter ready for bed, and finally time for my husband.  Whew! That's enough to make you carry an extra tank of oxygen and then beg your neighbor for their spare tank as if you're asking to borrow sugar that you promise to pay back. What's the rush?!  I have no clue! Shame.
              So I have been called slow in different forms reflecting bad self thoughts of low intelligence, downright silly with no sense, and moving at a slow pace.  As I grow into adulthood, these slow whispers I succumb to teaching myself to move swiftly, study harder via google search engine (LOL but it's the truth), and the term "you're so slow" in correlation with humor, I okay with now. Me and the word slow never got along.
               With self teaching, I have developed a lifestyle of rush and go, don't smell the flowers because it's a distraction, don't allow nature to caress your skin because there is a deadline to meet,  and don't take the time to take time for anything all the while trying to prove to myself that I am not slow.  I'm sure this list goes on and on.  I remember a pastor saying, "Why are you rushing?  When you're driving to get somewhere and you're suddenly stopped by traffic, you're in a rush to wait."  Years later after allowing the pressure of "being slow" to suffocate the truth in my mind, I realize that I had become an expert in rushing to wait.  As my sister frankly put it, "You rush to go to the mailbox, go to the store, clean up the house, and even to breath!  Slow down!!"  After listening to my sister and friends who told me the same, I was in complete defense mode and decided that it was a bunch of bull because I take pride in knowing that I can get a job done quickly and efficiently (and almost killing myself).  I was taking pride in killing myself slowly.
What?! Seriously?! Yes. I drank my tall drink of humility and swallowed my pride with it and said, "They're right."  And in my norm of rush, I wanted to rush the process of learning to slow down.  
               In effort to make life less stressful on myself, I decided that I needed to slow down but how? As I struggle with the how, my body responded by chest pains, migraines, and fatigue. The how factor plagued me for a while and I realize it's in the small stuff and it's very simple.  Walk to the mailbox, drive the speed limit and enjoy the scenic route without crashing, take my time to clean up and take breaks when necessary, etc. When I realized that the "rush, rush, rush" lifestyle could undoubtedly shorten my years, my body began to relax, my stress level decreased, and needless to say I've learned and I am still learning to simply wait.  The roses smell wonderful, the coffee smells awesome, time is now captured in precious memories and the bad ones are lessons and nature finally has a moment to grab me by the hand and show me who she really is and she is one amazing creation!
              Balance is the key here.  I had to face my own lies: If you slow down, nothing will get done.  Do it now so you won't have to do it later. If you slow down, you will continue to be slow.  If you slow down, you will run out of time.  If you slow down, you will prove you're not intelligent (doesn't even make sense!). I finally heard the truth after throwing down the lies in my mind: If you slow down, it will still get done.  If you slow down, you can rest more.  If you slow down, you relieve the stress on your body, mind and spirit. If you slow down, you add years to your life.  If you just allow yourself to be a turtle, life will not pass you by, it will embrace you because you haven't stopped moving forward.

Chicken Croquettes Stuffed With Fontina Cheese

I went to Chicago with the kids in the summer of 2012 and did what most tourist do, enjoy the sights and great food. I had the pleasure of staying in the Magnificent Mile, where down the street and around the corner was The Hancock Center and out my hotel window was The Navy Pier. I had heard so much about The Cheesecake Factory that it ended up being my first choice of places to eat after a 10 hr. drive. The decor was awesome and the ambiance relaxing, and after seeing nothing but tree lines, cars, and windmills for miles it was great to hear the din of chatter. Well, one of the appetizers on the menu was Chicken Croquettes stuffed with Fontina Cheese, and it was awesome. So after moving into the Atlanta metro area, I was sorely disappointed that none of the local Cheesecake Factories offered this scrumptious item on any of the menus. Being the experimental great chef I am, I decided to try my hand at making my own version of the recipe and it came out awesome.

Ingredients
2 pounds of ground chicken 

1/2 of an Onion
2 Cloves of Garlic or 2 Tbsp. of Minced Garlic
5 Eggs
1/4 c. of Chicken Stock (you'll have this after poaching the chicken)
1 1/2c. of Panko Bread Crumbs
1/2 a pack of Fontina Cheese sliced
1/4 c. of Lawry's Rotisserie Seasoning
2 Tbsp. of Celery Salt
1 1/2 Tbsp. of Onion Powder
1 1/2 Tbsp. of Garlic Powder
2 Tbsp. of Canola Oil

Preheat oven to 375.Oil a cookie sheet with the 2 Tbsp. of Canola Oil and place in the oven for 5 min. then remove. Slice the brick of Fontina Cheese; cut the onion in half and place in the food processor with the garlic and pulse; and beat 3 of the eggs, place to the side. Combine ground chicken, minced onion and garlic, the Rotisserie Seasoning, onion powder, garlic powder, celery salt, and beat eggs mixing thoroughly with your hands. Once thoroughly mixed start forming halves of the croquettes placing them on wax or parchment paper. Once the halves are formed, start placing the slices of Fontina cheese on one side covering with the other half of the croquette. Brush with the egg wash and sprinkle with panko bread crumbs on both sides place on the oiled cookie sheet. Cook for 25 min. being sure to turn over half way through cooking.

Bon appetit, mes amis.

Behind The Smile

"One of the hardest things you will ever have to do is...give up something you love while trusting God for better."- Pastor Jamal Bryant

You're having a pity party and you call up your besties for a night of  "misery loves company" talk. You've cooked or ordered in and your pals have brought the libations for the night. You've made your face pretty and removed all traces of the tear-stained face with the puffy, red eyes; you've gotten out of the comfy clothes and put on some clothes worthy of leaving the house; you've finally opened the windows to let some natural light in, and lit some incense to rid the house of the order of despair. Your pals come over and you begin your night of good food, great friends, and much needed therapy. So, you all are taking turns telling jokes and relationship tribulations when you finally spill the beans about your latest misery. being your inner circle, they're supportive with their "Aww's" and "Chile, please," when the friend you come to think of as the voice of reason among your group states, "Girl, I wouldn't put up with that." She goes down the list of should have, could have, would have and all the things she wouldn't stand for while you nod your head to everything she just said and feel a tad bit better about your situation. The night ends with hugs and "call me later's" and you close the door on the camaraderie feeling thankful for your pals. Your eyes scan the four walls you call a home but has felt like your prison. You glance longingly at the pictures of a happier time and notice the sadness that has been hiding in your eyes the entire time. You feel the tears welling up and you're feeling emotionally drained and ready to crumble. You clean up the glasses and containers, loading the dishwasher and putting leftovers in the fridge, wipe down the counters and turn off the lights. You head to your bedroom then into the bathroom, you wash your face free of make-up and take a long hard look at yourself. You look at yourself everyday, but failed to notice the unhappy person staring back at you. Those closest to you have complimented you on how strong and confident you are, how you're one of the smartest person they've known, and all the while you accepted the graciousness and been slowly dying inside.

No one knows the turmoil you've lived through and every person you know likes to tell you what they will and won't put up with. All the while never actually knowing what you will accept until something happens to you. I can say I was one of those people that would say that especially when I was unattached, but now as a parent and wife I can tell you that you will tolerate much more when other people depend on you. Before I married, I was an independent, working, single mother, and loving and living life to the fullest. After marriage, I was still happy and swimming the murky waters of being a wife and a mother. Somewhere along the way, I lost my spark and my identity, I became a trophy and a title, lost my confidence, my self-esteem, and the value of my worth. I put on a smile and a happy face whenever I left the house; no one but me knew my pain. There were days when all I could do was cry, but my brave face would be back in place by the time I picked up the kids and faced the public. I've taken compliments with silence, a smile, and a nod, because I didn't feel that I was worthy of any accolades or pleasantries. The less I said the less I was spoken to and it was what I preferred because I didn't have to prove myself.

"It's time to LET GO of everything that no longer serves you. You DESERVE to be HAPPY and FREE"

Now as I set myself along this path to regain some sense of self-worth and self-love, bursting with pride and confidence, I have to release the hurts, anger, and resentment. I now know that only I can be the author of my happiness and I must release those things that hinder me on my journey.

Parents: Are You Present or Are You A Presence?

Let me get this off my chest and shout from my soapbox, "Your genetic contribution and your financial donations, DOES NOT make you a parent."

Being a parent doesn't necessarily qualify you as mom and dad, because there are some egg donors and sperm donors out there making it hard for those parents that want to do right by their child. We live in a time where electronics play such a major role in our lives that we are disconnected from each other. Media outlets and our gadgets are bringing up kids to not value the very people that gave them life and we let them rule our homes. We want our kids to aim high, but they are influenced by some of the piss poor behavior and attitudes of people on television; and therein lies the problem.  Kids are a gift in your life and as far as I know none have asked to leave the spirit realm to get here. We as parents take our kids for granted and vice versa. We tend to shower them with things they want more than the things they need and that's the breakdown. There are some parents that don't have their priorities in order, such as getting your hair done but your lights getting turned off, by the newest shoes and you can't put food in the house, hanging out at the club and leaving your kids home alone, etc... I'm all about self care and self love, but don't get it twisted I provide for my family first and run on exhaustion and fumes, that's just me, but kids know when I have to take care of me and they tend to make wise decisions without my involvement. They are so many parents that want to be their child(s)'s friend and that is not your job. Your job(s) is to be a parent and role model, you have to put in the time and effort to earn mutual respect as they grow and mature.You should have friends your own age without making your child one of them. How is your child to learn to be a responsible adult and future parent if they're your friend, they really cannot. You have to lay down standards from the beginning and realize that those standards have to be adaptable with time and circumstances. You are accountable for the first 16-21 years (depending on your stance) of life and hopefully you've consistently steered them in the right direction and let them taste some failure.

Present or Presence:

My husband has been in and out the home for most of our marriage. First there was military obligations that kept him gone, then he went to work overseas, and once he finally got back in the states we were almost a thousand miles apart. In September, he moved back into the house and he's here. What do mean by he's here, well he's present and accounted for but there is no real interaction amongst us as a family unit. He is a participant in the obligatory school functions, he walks the dogs when asked, and he takes care of the outside of the house, but for the most part he's present. Me on the other hand, I'm a presence, a force to be reckoned with if you will. My kids are aware of the love and emotion that I emit without saying a word when I enter any room that they occupy. There are times when I've been thinking about them and they're nowhere near by, but they claim they feel me watching them or they just feel my love. That's being a presence, my kids know that I'm there for them and they can bombard me at anytime because I'm an open book. I don't want to live a life where I'm scrutinized by my kids because I'm not putting my everything into them, I show them that I will give my all to them even when it hurts me. When we're sitting in the family room, watching a movie my kids will just randomly say, "I love you, too," just from me looking at them or sitting next to them. I am actively involved in everything they are doing, from chores to homework, from the happenings at school to TV time, it's nothing they can do that I don't take notice of or informed of. As a matter of fact, when it comes to school they get upset about how much their teachers and I communicate via a voice call and email. I'm like Lion-O from the Thundercats, "Give me sight beyond sight," when it comes to my kids and while they don't like it they will deal and learn to appreciate my all seeing eye.

The Open Door To Your voice:

I grew up in the 80s and 90s, both of my parents worked and were gone most of the time before I even got on the bus. My mom got me up with an I love you and was out the door on her way to work, my dad was home when I got off the bus and he always asked how my day was. When do we take the time to talk to our children? Well, I'm busy, I'm tired, I need to cook dinner, I need to do laundry, I need to run to the grocery store, I need to get the boy child to practice, I need to get the girl child to the hair dresser, I need to have some time to myself, I just want to relax - do all of these excuses sound familiar? Where does your child fit in? Going by your schedule, it's when you're taking the kids somewhere and picking them back up, but that's not the only time. Are you eating dinner as a family, if not, then you missed some prime time for conversation. I converse with my kids constantly even if it's a one-sided conversation and I'm getting eye rolls, and once I'm done saying what I have to say I end the conversation with, "You know my door is open whenever you want to talk unless it's bedtime." I can't always make them talk to me when I want to talk, because they are there own person, but they know whenever they want to talk I will stop what I'm doing to make time to listen to them. You have to be a willing participant even when you don't want to, but that's what parenting is all about.

Quality Time Is Priority:

There are times when you don't have the financial means to do what you want to do or go where you want to go, but you have an abundance of entertainment right at home. Spending quality time is not about giving them what they want, it's about spending and giving time to the ones you love unconditionally. My kids have a Wii with about 30 games, 4 cabinets full of DVDs (that's cartoons and family movies), and we have some board and card games. My kids are into art, so I, also, keep an abundance of construction paper, sketch pads, glue sticks, colored pencils, and yarn around the house. They hate when I do it, but I declare a few hours of electronic shut down no Nooks, computers, or cell (that's me with the phone) in order to spend time together. We have to disconnect from the electronics and connect as a family, my kids are allotted to me for so long before they move on and become adults with their own families. Make time to spend time with your kids more than you make the time to spend doing what you want.

Be A Role Model:

From 2006 until 2008, I was in school full time earning my Bachelor's Degree in Criminal Justice and at the age of 32 I earned it. I had some easy classes and some challenging classes, my kids saw my struggle because we would sometimes sit at the table together and do home work. I made sure that they saw me working hard and being determined to finish with good grades. They saw I made the Dean's List a couple of times and times where I had to retake a class, but they saw my struggle and it made them want to work harder too. Our kids are bombarded with images of athletes and celebrities having big money and making poor decisions. That's good to aspire to be great but our kids do not need and should not need to be just like them. We don't know back stories and how they got there, we just focus on their public persona when they are in the spotlight for whatever reason. My kids have great aspirations and I push them to the point where they're tired of hearing me talk, but they know I want them to succeed in everything they want to do with their life. They see the only way to succeed is to focus on their dreams and pursue it with hard work, determination, and diligence and I'll be their biggest cheerleader because they were mine.

Give Unconditional Love:

We all have days where we are in a bad mood, and whatever the reason sometimes are kids get the backlash. I know I'm not the only parent guilty of this, which is why I called you out. I'm apologetic afterwards because they weren't the cause of it, and I ensure that they know that I love them. Those three simple words can mean so much to your attention-starved child. Peer-pressure is still rampant, but now we have to deal with blatant bullying in so many forms that we never know what are child is succumbing to or falling victim to. It is so important to listen to your kids even when they're not talking to you, you never know what is going on until you hear it from another child's parent. My kids have me, grandparents, and so many other relatives to talk to that they we all get the "I don't feel like talking right now" often, but they know the door is open to communicate. My oldest child is 16, he stands 6'4", and he has Asperger's Syndrome which is a form of Autism, he's unable to read social cues and to empathize. Most days he walks around in an angry defensive shell, but in order to break through to him I have to give him your time and let him know that I love him. I get one of the best smiles and a lot of love, and the days he cherish most is when he can lay his head in my lap and not say anything but feel my love for him radiating out. Then my daughter comes over and we have to scoot down the couch so she can put her head on the other side and she too feels my love for her and the both of them. When you have more than one child you love them individually and as the joint unit they are (my kids are 4yrs apart and very close, just as me and my brother are). I always do my best to make sure that they know I love them flaws and all.